I keep finding my head in my hands. My awareness goes straight to my face buried there sometimes so hard I can see light behind my eyelids. I noticed it first at my desk and then again alone in my shower in a locked bathroom. Why am I doing this when I'm alone and why does it take me a few minutes to even notice I'm doing it?

Why did it take me years to notice I rarely have my hands relaxed by my side and my eyes pointed anywhere but down? My fingers are always in my hair or playing with the soft skin inside my forearm. I don't notice how rarely I am balanced when I'm sitting down or idly standing by. I even have a rib that protrudes more than others and when I'm collapsed in posture I feel like it's all connected somehow. But now at least when I'm paying attention I can correct it.

I feel imprisoned by being aware of how limited my senses are. I think this is just a phase or something...I think the next phase, which I'll nickname Mania as usual, will be me feeling like I now have more confidence to build the tools to expand my vision. I'm becoming the illustrator of the mazes I play....that kind of thing.

OhPS.Tits!

All photos by CYNTHIA DAVILA

Without consideration, without pity, without shame they have built great and high walls around me. And now I sit here and despair. I think of nothing else: this fate gnaws at my mind; for I had many things to do outside. Ah why did I not pay attention when they were building the walls. But I never heard any noise or sound of builders. Imperceptibly they shut me from the outside world.- Cavafy

ROCKLOVE / DAVILA / MARTINEZ

I've been using mental illness as a coping mechanism, excuse, and escape for the pain I feel. But at the same time I used those horrible feelings to exploit them for the sake of preparing a delivery.

So this time instead of giving it all away it's being taken away. This feels a lot more real than letting go of it. The real test was losing what I wouldn't let go and seeing how I reacted to it.  And now I'm about a million times more grateful for what I have even though I have so much less now.

This is so hard to explain. It's like having a mental conversation with abstract thoughts that before would make me hysterically scream and cry and now I'm holding conversations with them and instead of fighting with them I'm listening to them and once they tell me what I need to hear then their job will be done.

I lost a lot more then material possessions and my health. I also let go of a lot of hatred that was in my heart and I respect life now instead of cursing it and praying for the world to end. That doesn't mean I want the people I hated in my life, it just means I don't feel anything negative towards anyone anymore. I actually got what I wanted and escaped them by figuring out that HATRED IS NOT DISTANCE. They're more distant now that they don't affect me. I figured out we're all made of the same thing and hating myself and these people was hating something I always claimed to hold the utmost respect for. And then coming to that conclusion on my own I started seeing it in books so I think I may be on the right path, but I'm being very careful to not over-think this. One of the blessings of being overwhelmed and hitting new levels of breaking down mentally is the silence that follows it when thoughts stop racing.

Photos by Cynthia Davila // Makeup by Megan Martinez for Sugarpill Cosmetics

Vice Clockwork Earrings by RockLove Jewelry